Sunday, June 24, 2018

Updaterino!

I HAVE RETURNED.

Well, kinda. I'm still in Nashville, and honestly, I'm still fucking exhausted. The parents and I drove to South Carolina overnight, got there and loaded what was not absolutely ruined (and what I wanted) into the back of my dad's truck, and then drove straight back to Nashville, so ... that's what, sixteen hours of driving? My dad did the majority of the driving, and I took little catnaps throughout the whole thing, which was actually pretty difficult because - and did you know this - the backseat of trucks aren't the most comfortable places to sleep.

But I am okay. The house was absolutely disgusting and smelled terrible (and looked worse) and the majority of what I ended up taking was, as I suspected, up in the attic, which was apparently inhabited by mice? But whatever. My comic book collection and telescope are in better condition than I thought they'd be, and I found a pair of shoes I'd forgotten about! The washer and dryer supposedly still work, so when the roommate and I are looking for apartments, we'll be able to include w/d connections as a perk!

Again, though, I am okay. I cried a bit when I went to the backyard, and I was obviously overwhelmed when we first drove up. I think I muttered "I hate this place" about fifty times, but by the end of it, I was able to see the beauty of the state. I still loathe South Carolina - except you, Sullivan's Island, I will always love you - and I don't think that will change. After all, my dad still hates Charleston because of his ex-wife, and they've been divorced for over thirty-five years. Three never showed up, and I didn't see any of the cats, which actually hurt me more than anything. Sigh.

I'm going to take a nap and then head back to Louisville. I may put up another post about what happened, but ... I don't know if I'm ready for that yet? Either way, I am okay. I promise.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Finally ...

Last month, I met with a divorce lawyer to finally get the ball rolling on legally ending my marriage. Initially elated with taking action, I spent the next few days kind of processing things in a way I hadn't before. It wasn't this fun, breezy thing I had imagined it would be - planning a black-veiled divorce party aboard a giant cruise ship and therapeutically burning Three's things. Instead, I was replaying all the experiences and emotions I'd felt over the last 7.5 years on full blast: the gaslighting, the blatant verbal attacks, the bizarre power plays, the lack of connections to anyone outside of him, etc. And it was in technicolor with surround sound, like I'd never left it. Because it is a part of me now, whether or not I like it.

Earlier this week, my rapist marched gleefully into my workplace to do his grocery shopping, unaware I'd spotted him. My stomach dropped, and I could not breathe for a few seconds. Thankfully, he never saw me, or if he did, he made sure to depart out of a different entrance. He was just Three 2.0, and I hated myself for ever opening up to him, allowing myself to be hurt even more than I was before.

Two days ago, I stood in my shower and cried, repeating, "I can't do this," over and over again until I could only mutter "can't can't can't can't can't" into the stream of hot water pouring down my face. My anxiety had been a steady presence for me for the previous several days, but it all just culminated in that one moment as I imagined what was coming.

Yesterday, I made an appointment with my lawyer for the final meeting before she drafts the divorce paperwork to send to Three. I sat in my car and cried, overwhelmed by relief, sadness, fear, happiness, and whatever emotion that came up.

And then today ... well, today, I'm going back to a place where some of the scariest, bleakest moments of my life took place. Three had a mental breakdown here, walking up and down the hallway and talking to invisible people he thought were trying to kill him. He finally revealed to me that he was an alcoholic because he couldn't maintain the lies he'd used to slowly peel me away from any other security and love that he couldn't really give me in the first place, because he'd been lying to me from the moment he met me, because he'd finally reached his breaking point. This was the last place I ever saw Kitkat and Bina, and Bitsy ran away after giving birth to six kittens in the closet by the front door. This was where I was truly alone, with no friends or family nearby and no safety net whatsoever. This was the final staging area of a five-year-long con that blew up in Three's face, although I'm still not sure what his final aim was.

To put it simply, I am not looking forward to returning to my home.

I'd made the plans to go to South Carolina a few days before meeting with my lawyer the first time, but I was uncharacteristically blase about the whole thing. Like, I was joking about the house and the fact that it is in foreclosure (yet another really fun story) and generally feeling nothing about it except maybe some mild irritation that I had to do it in the first place. And then I had a dream where I saw Bitsy, all mangled and scarred, Kitkat, terrified to approach me, and Three, just looming over me ominously and not uttering a word. It's like my body was in denial until it realized that, yet, I was actually going through with this, and it started freaking the fuck out, and it's like the rest of the universe is playing along.

It's a seven hour drive from Nashville, and I am making the trip with my parents to get the remainder of the stuff I left back in 2016. Even with my creepy/sad dream, I'm not really sure what I'm expecting to happen, if anything. I'm not even 100% sure what's there. I have a fairly good idea, since state housing is being exceptionally helpful, but they didn't have any pictures of the attic, where I'm assuming Three left a lot of stuff. What if I get there and it's literally just a bunch of destroyed stuff that I drove ten hours (including going down from Louisville to Nashville) to say, "Well, that can be thrown in the trash now?" That uncertainty certainly isn't helping matters.

I'm just so tired, so ready for this to be over. The end is in sight, thankfully, and in a few months, I will be able to close this chapter in my life. Logically, I know this is one of the last hurdles I need to jump over, but ... can't I just fast forward through these parts? That'd be nice.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 22: Favorite Merle Moment


I feel like poor Merle Highchurch gets a lot of shit: he's not the best cleric (although he does actually help the other boys way more often than they are willing to admit) and has a weird fetish for plants. He seems to follow the other two more than he leads, and a lot of time, he is more reactionary than proactive. He is this crunchy, irreverent, Pan-kind-of-worshiping, deadbeat dad and runaway husband that ends up the butt of the joke throughout most of the "Balance" arc. But Merle is truly the heart of the group, and this monologue from "The Stolen Century" is why. 

Friday, April 20, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 20: Favorite Taako Moment


I think if you took a poll, Taako would probably be at the #1 spot for Favorite Character, and a big part of that is Justin McElroy. He's such a witty guy, and for me, he's the most relateable of the brothers*. I wouldn't say that Taako is my favorite playable character, because they all, in the moment, become my favorite, depending on what's happening obviously, but so many of his quotes are hilarious
  • "Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16-in waist away from Scarlett O'Hara."
  • "Yeah, no shit. Great job, Angela Lansbury." 
  • "How about I just shoot magic ouchies at him?"
  • "Arcana check. (rolls) Twenty-four. I know exactly what it is. I built it."
  • "Hell yeah, goin' rogue! Been waiting for this the whole time! Fuck yes, off the grid! (Justin narrating) I pull out my credit cards and shred 'em." 

My absolute favorite moment, though, is kind of a mixture of Justin's sense of humor and some honest character building. Also, God bless people who do animatics. 

Monday, April 9, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 9: Favorite "Petals to the Metal" Moment


"Petals to the Metal" has so many amazing moments throughout the ridiculous number of episodes that cover its story (seriously, up until that point, almost half of the episodes they'd done were for this arc) that it's hard to pinpoint just one as my absolute favorite. I mean, you've got Merle talking dirty to some vines, Klaarg returns in the most epic way possible, Hurley is the most kickass monk that ever existed, Trent the Tree-Ant loses his ass to Magnus' Rail Splitter ... like seriously, so many awesome moments.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 8: Favorite "Murder on the Rockport Limited" Moment


You know those people who like different types of things just to be different? Well, that person is not me today, because I'm pretty sure my favorite bit from "Murder on the Rockport Limited" is a favorite series moment for a lot of people because it. is. hilarious. Oh, and no spoilers!


Saturday, April 7, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 7: Favorite "Here There Be Gerblins" Moment


I'm just going to jump right into this because I am running super behind on like ... everything in my life right now. Luckily for me, though, my favorite moment from the first "Balance" arc springs right into my mind. And as always, spoiler alert.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 5: Least Favorite Episode


This is gonna be a nice, quick entry because 1) I don't really like talking about The Adventure Zone in a negative way for an extended amount of time and 2) I don't have a lot to say about this particular episode.

Without further ado ...

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 4: Favorite Episode


Alright, I know I said that "The Eleventh Hour" is my favorite arc, and Id stand by that firmly. It's the most narratively satisfying, and I love the relationships the Tres Horny Boys develop with the various NPCs so much more than a lot of the other ones (save for Angus, for whom I will fight to the death). And while the finale of that arc is definitely up there* in my favorites, I'm going with another one: the episode that made me realize that this show was something I absolutely had to continue following.

Oh, and spoilers ahead, so ... don't read below the cut unless you a) love spoilers or b) don't care even a little bit about them.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

30 Day Challenge: The Adventure Zone, Day 3: Least Favorite Arc


Well, it's time for that Sophie's Choice statement again, because dammit, I love all of the arcs. They all have their shortcomings, of course, except for "The Eleventh Hour," because it's perfect and there is nothing you can say that will change my mind.

Ahem, moving on.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...