Monday, July 16, 2012

Mutiny on the Uterus

I have epic periods. Just figured I'd come out and say it as bluntly as possible, so as not to leave any of you wondering if I was referring to actual shark week or to an aunt that has unfortunately been named Flo.

Anyway, back to the mutiny in my uterus. Every month, I am forced to wonder not whether or not I'll be in bed, writhing in pain, but for how long. I've found a combination of extra strength Midol and Advil eases the cramps just enough for me to lie there, motionless. This usually lasts around two days or so, and I'm lucky if this happens on the weekend so I don't have to miss work. Or unlucky, depending on your interpretation; but for my job, if I miss one day, I'm a week behind.*

Thursday was one of my more painful days. Not the worst I've had before. I could walk today. About three months ago, I could not stand up and move around. Three had to carry me to the bathroom and I spent the majority of the day in tears. So yeah, didn't have to deal with that, but it was still pretty horrible. And I was driving in the middle of that lovely succession of waves of cramps, which Three managed to somewhat to distract me from by talking about absolute nonsense.

And before you say, "Oh, Juju, haven't you tried birth control," the answer is yes. I've tried multiple brands with multiple strengths or concentrations of estrogen or whatever -gen is out there, and apparently, nothing really works. All it does is make me crazy or it does nothing at all. Yaz turned me into the worst type of needy girlfriend and added a dash of insanity. I got irrationally angry at a popcorn bag. I stayed on birth control mainly out of responsibility, not so much for any other added benefit. I stuck with the one that made me less of a nutcase. And now, since we're trying to get pregnant, birth control isn't an option. So I just do what I've always done since I was 11. Stay in bed, take Advil and Midol, and hope for the best.

I've said before that I think it's my biology punishing me for not getting knocked up. I'm not sure it's far from the truth.

You're a bitch, Juju's uterus.

* Or at least, it will be until 8/31/2012. BWAHAHA.
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