Monday, August 6, 2012

Nothing's fine, I'm torn.

It always sucks when your resolve kind of dissolves right in front of you. Your once strong stance now feels wobbly, and the self-doubt sinks in.

I think one of my biggest flaws is a lack of follow-through on, well, pretty much anything. I always intend on finishing something, but then I lose interest or it gets too hard or my faith in myself quickly plummets to below rock-bottom. Take, for instance, my hectic cleaning habits. Clutter won't bother me until one day, BAM, it just hits me, and then I'm on a mission.

A mission from God.
It will last for about a four-hour period, where I'll frantically busy myself in various rooms in the apartment (because I can't bother to focus on one room at a time, or shit, one project at a time), but then I'll get overwhelmed and hop on the computer or play some video games. And then I'll revert to not giving a single fuck about how my living space looks.

But that's just the tip of the ice berg.

Like most of you know, I've decided to leave my job for various reasons, the main one being it's turning me into a very big asshole, and just for shits and giggles, I put in an application for a program specialist position at the state office. Honestly, I didn't think anything of it once I pushed "send." Then last week, I got an email from one of the HR big wigs, asking if I wanted to set up an interview. I really just should have said no, but thought, "Meh, what the hell? Why not?" It's not like I'm the only person interviewing for this position, so I probably won't get offered the job, anyway. Then I got two more interview offers for the same position, only in different departments (right now, I'm scheduled interviews with child services - no, thanks - Medicaid policy, and the Office of Learning and Development, or basically training), and now I'm all

I really try to find a reason to use this gif wherever I can.
First of all, it's a lot more money. And I don't have to deal with clients. Big bonus there. But - and this is a pretty big but - it's not what I want to do. I don't want to look back on my life and say, "Yay, I stuck with a job because it had decent money in it and despite the fact I had to dress like a moron and work 8:30A - 4P each day, I completely threw my dreams away!" And this is where I'm stuck. I don't want to take the position with the intention of quitting a few months or maybe a year down the road. But it will provide extra income that Three and I can use for whatever. BUT I'll have to put really getting down and dirty with the writing career for an unspecified amount of time.

Of course, this leads in to the first part of this post. Is this merely a distraction I'm using because I'm afraid of putting myself out there? The fear of the rejection I will face? It was really hard for me to go to a creative writing class and share my work there; I handled the criticism well, for the most part, although most of the people in my class were Zane-wannabes and couldn't really get into my sci-fi/fantasy writing. I'd like to think I've grown; I mean, come on, I'm here, right? I should probably post some of my actual work, though, if I really wanted to prove I was over that sort of thing.

Now, I may just be freaking out. There's no guarantee I'll even get any offers, especially since most of the people I put on my CV as my references are people that know I'm leaving DHS, but sigh. And of course, I'm waffling between steely intention and shifty-eyed uncertainty. 

Siiiiiiiiggghhhhhhhhh.


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