Sunday, September 23, 2012

Things that Terrify Me, Part Deux

I've written about things I'm scared of, and I don't take any of it back. Reborn dolls, basements, and palmetto bugs freak me the fuck out, and I will avoid them at all costs. And, thanks to Three, I can add a new phobia: sharks.

Now, Three is terrified of sharks, but he thinks that the best time to reveal this is when we are chest-deep in the Gulf of Mexico right in the middle of an area that he believes has a good chance of having sharks nearby. Because this is also the guy who sees the end of "Falling Down" with Michael Douglas (where he commits suicide after going apeshit on downtown L.A.) and actually says to me, "See? It's a happy movie! He didn't kill his family like he was trying to."
Actual response. Add a few expletives, for authenticity's sake.
So honestly, the fact that I didn't expect this kind of thing to happen just makes me wonder if my brain is working properly.

Anyway, he also proceeds to tell me all about how great white sharks can be punched in the nose as a way to deter its attack, as long as you're able to sock it before it distends its jaws like a fucking snake. I am actually a little amazed that he knows so much about every type of shark in the known ocean.

"You have to know your enemy, Juj," Three replies.

I then get a crash course in how to avoid shark attacks (while, mind you, in the ocean; no, the irony is not lost on me): don't thrash about, stay in groups (hahaha, we're two people, hahaha, that is NOT A GROUP), don't swim at dawn or dusk (feeding times), etc. Oh, and of course, don't bleed.
May have actually said this.
Now, Three has never actually been attacked by a shark. He did have a close call when he was younger and was being toyed with by a bull shark in Florida. Bull sharks are assholes. Just go read up on them. They can travel in fresh water and saltwater, because God is preparing them to become real land sharks.

When we got back from vacation, I went about studying these creatures that are only out-assholed by dolphins* in the sea. Sharks are damned killing machines and are "apex predators," the top of the food chain. I introduced myself to the deadliest of the species: great whites (duh), bull sharks, tiger sharks, and oceanic whitetip sharks. Whitetips seem to be the biggest jerks, really, as they kind of troll for shipwrecks, but the others just seem to be like, "Huh, these land creatures are slow and not very scary. I will eat them on occasion." Shark attacks aren't very common, and most of the time, it's because the human was an idiot and was all, "Ooooh, I want to touch the dangerous toothy animal that hasn't evolved much since prehistoric times!" Or they just happen to fall overboard and a hungry shark has had a hard day at work, chasing after fishies. Who wouldn't go after a slow-moving nummy treat? I would.
Why not? I mean, easy money.
But then this got me wondering about some of my other fears. I mean, Three is still scared of sharks, but he was able to go into the ocean, knowing full-well that they were out there. He didn't even freak out** when he saw evidence of shark activity: nearly an entire school of fish leaping out of the water away from a central location. So I looked back at my old post and tried to figure out which one I could research and therefore be unafraid of. I picked one that seemed the lesser of the evils: spiders.

And you know what? Spiders can fucking jump by using what scientists are calling tiny little propulsion something or others; tarantulas shoot sticky webbing out of their feet so they can walk on pretty much any surface at whatever angle; they look like demons under a microscope; they are everywhere; they can fucking kill you with one tiny bite. I don't think I have to go any further. Now that I know more about them, they terrify me even more. Fuck spiders.

And with that, I leave you one of my favorite Hyperbole and a Half posts: Spiders are scary. It's okay to be afraid of them.

* Dolphins are douches. They will mutilate newborn porpoises for the fuck of it. Scientists cannot explain their asshole behavior. They just are. Don't let their happy little smiling faces fool you; when they open their mouths? Yeah, they're saying, "You are about to be a meal."

** This was me, on the other hand. With less kicking. Mostly.

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