Saturday, November 24, 2012

People be crazy.

For those of you not yet in the know, Three and I have been trying to get pregnant, well, for the past two years. We haven't been successful, as of yet, for what I can assume are multiple reasons: stress, missing ovulation, lack of implantation, not having sex enough, low sperm count, a hostile uterus, God hates us, whatever. We haven't gone to the doctor yet, mainly because money has been an issue, and you know what, the process of trying is really, really fun.

I try not to talk about this too often to people other than close friends or family because the crazies tend to come out of the woodwork and offer their bizarre tips at becoming with child. While Three and I were at dinner with my parents at an awesome Japanese restaurant, this lady decided that she needed to preach to us about taking baby aspirin every day to get pregnant.

"It worked every time for a friend of mine. I'm telling you: baby. aspirin. is. the. answer." She was as emphatic about this aspirin thing as I am about the proper pronunciation of "manga."

After we left the restaurant, both of my parents are medical professionals and were like, "Um, nope. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

When Three was still working at Valvoline, so many women would, unprompted, offer their opinions on which sex positions were the best for conception and for what gender I wanted and ... ugh. According to a few women, doggie style is the best if you just want some good ol' fashioned baby-making, but if you want to have a boy, the women needs to not orgasm. Or something. I have never wanted so much brain bleach, especially after some of the women felt the need to, like, show me how to position myself. No, thanks.

Then there are the truly bizarre pieces of advice I've gotten:

"Go buy one of those really big turkey basters and shoot some up into your vagina. I swear, it works."

"You're a yoga practitioner; just stay in plow pose for about forty-five minutes to an hour and gravity will do the work for you!"

"Visualize having a baby in your tummy."

And when I don't show any enthusiasm for their little hints, they get all upset and like, "Oh, well, if you're not willing to try whatever, maybe you shouldn't be a parent." Because it's always awesome to treat people like shit when they don't agree with you.

I'm actually worried about what happens when I do get pregnant. And then give birth. Then I'll be lectured by the attachment parenting converts and breastfeeding maniacs*. Greaaaaaat.

* Not saying that there's anything wrong with either of these approaches. However, coming at me and telling me that it's the only and best way ever to raise your kids, um ... well, fuck you.
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