Friday, October 18, 2013

Life With Pets: Dog Soccer - A One-Act Play

It is Saturday morning in the Three-Juju household, and THREE is happily making breakfast, whisking gluten-free pancake batter (thanks, Bisquick!) in a gleeful frenzy. However, he notices that he might need some more rice milk (shut up, Juju has food allergies and does not drink that shit because it tastes good) to aid in the making of Awesome Pancakes and makes his way to the fridge. 

ZOLA, the lovable yet clueless bulldog, takes his movement as an invitation for pets. Completely out of his line of sight, she lumbers toward him and gets tangled in his steps, sending both sprawling onto the freshly mopped floor (shut up, Juju doesn't always think when she does things). 

THREE: (as he falls to the ground) Dear GOD, Zola!!
ZOLA: Daddy is petting me with his feet. Yay!!
JUJU: (off stage) Are you okay?
THREE: Yeah ... call the dog.
JUJU: Zola!
ZOLA: Mommy!

As easily distracted as she is, Zola looks toward Mommy's voice but realizes that Three is standing up. She again trots in his direction, directly in his path. When he accidentally kicks her, she stops and stares forlornly at him. 

ZOLA: Daddy?
THREE: Zola! Get out of the kitchen!
ZOLA: He said my name! I do not know the other words, though. I shall stay.

The three cats decide to investigate. BITSY, the youngest, leaps onto the counter, both intrigued by the making of food and desirous of avoiding KITKAT (aka Tyrannical Not-Friend), who follows close behind. BINA, who realizes that there is nothing in the kitchen that is of interest to her, turns around to go back to bothering Juju about cat food and head scratches. 

BITSY: Hm, I wonder if this white stuff tastes like Glucerna*.
THREE: Bitsy, no!

He bops her on the head with a towel, and she argues with him in the only way she knows how. She insistently keeps poking her head in the bowl and meows in protest when he pushes her away.

BITSY: I WANT FOOD.
THREE: YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THIS.

Three goes to pick her up and take her into the living room, but Zola has yet again placed herself in his way. For the third time, he trips over her, this time his shin coming into contact with her head. This obviously means play time. 

ZOLA: (crouching) Daddy!
THREE: Zola! GOD!! Go ... that way. I don't even care. Just get out of the way!
ZOLA: Daddy!!

When he does not start playing with her, Zola begins pouting and plops on the floor, sighing. Unfortunately, her choice of spots is, again, in Three's path. Again, he nearly tumbles to the ground but catches himself, while Zola is knocked about a foot away. And again, she is thrilled that he is petting her in some way. 

THREE: Okay, seriously. Zo. La. You need to move!
ZOLA: Excitement!! I will run in circles around you!!

Three tries frantically to balance himself as Zola whirls around the kitchen, occasionally knocking her head into his shins and calves, which only whips her into a further frenzy. JUJU finally comes in from the living room, holding a rather content Bina in her arms. Bitsy is thrilled to see her, as Juju is the one who initially saved her from two giant tomcats who wanted to make her into a meal, and jumps from the counter to greet her.

BITSY: Mommy!
JUJU: Hey, Bitsy. What's going on in -

Kitkat has seized the opportunity to launch herself at Bitsy.

BITSY: TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND! FLEEEEEEE!

Both Three and Juju watch after them and feel secure after Bitsy leaps onto a high spot where Kitkat will not follow, and Kitkat seems appeased.

JUJU: So what's going on in her?
THREE: Zola has helped me invent a new sport: dog soccer.

THE END

* Juju once spilled some Glucerna because of Bitsy's playfulness and created a monster. Now everything that comes from a bottle could be Glucerna and the six-pound kitty will battle you for it.

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