Friday, October 4, 2013

Life with Pets: A One-Act Play

It is dusk, and the pink and golden hues - the last breaths of the sun before it takes its leave from the world - filter through the window upon the bed of THREE and JUJU, married for nearly three years. It has been nearly two weeks since these two have been able to enjoy each other's company, as his work and her sleeping schedule tend to operate on opposite ends of the spectrum, time-wise, and now is an opportunity for sexytimes. 

THREE: Seriously, sex with myself can only keep me going for so long.
JUJU: Don't I know it.

Mostly naked, both stop as they hear labored panting coming from the side of the bed. 

JUJU: We didn't close the door, did we?

Both lean over the edge of the bed to see the goofy grin of a slobbery ZOLA, English bulldog extraordinaire. 

ZOLA: Hi, guys! I'm bored!
JUJU: Zola, get in your crate. Mommy and Daddy are having alone time right now.
ZOLA: That's okay! I'll get up into bed with you! You won't even know I'm here!!

Zola jumps up, landing squarely on Three's ass, and proceeds to sit at the very end of the bed, head tilted and tongue hanging out happily. 

KITKAT (off stage): HEY!! I AM ALONE AND DON'T KNOW WHERE EVERYONE IS!!

KITKAT (aka Tyrannical Not-Friend to Esther aka Bitsy/Bitty/Little Shit), the oldest and most ornery of the Three-Juju household, trots into the room frantically. She follows Zola's clumsy example and leaps effortlessly onto the bed.

KITKAT: Well, here you are. I was alone and not happy about it. I shall stay here so that never occurs again.

Three angrily flops over on his back and growls. 

THREE: Are you kidding me?

BINA, the middle kitty, comes in a few seconds later, curious about all the noise. 

BINA: Are there pets being given? And also food? Because I am hungry? I shall sit on your chest, Mommy!
JUJU: Seriously? Animals, we cannot have sex with all of you in here!

Juju tries, fruitlessly, to remove the animals from the bed, only to have them either deftly maneuver out of her reach or simply jump back onto the bed. Three pulls at his hair in frustration. ESTHER (aka Bitsy/Bitty/Little Shit), the youngest cat and undoubtedly the most rambunctious, pokes her head not quite all the way through the door.

ESTHER: Mommy? Where is --

Kitkat and Esther lock eyes, and the younger one immediately hisses, turning as quickly as possible to flee. 

ESTHER: IT IS TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND!! FLEEEEEEEEEE!

Kitkat is already in pursuit, thrilled with the chase, but as she tears after the littlest kitty, her claws rip across Juju's stomach, leaving bloody scratches in their wake. Both Kitkat and Esther have left the stage. 

JUJU: For the love of -- FUCKSHITDAMN! What is wrong with you?? (to no one in particular)
THREE: Are you okay?
BINA: I need to go mediate between the two other kitties! Esther is probably hiding and will need comforting, and Kitkat will need a boop on the head.

Bina merrily skips off stage. 

JUJU: I am going to kill her.
THREE: Kitkat?
JUJU: YES. Shit, these hurt.
THREE: I'll go get the first aid kit.

Three exits stage whatever, for some reason putting on sweatpants, leaving Zola, still panting at the very end of the bed, seemingly unaware that anything out of the ordinary has happened. Which to be fair is kind of accurate. Juju lies in bed, grumbling curse words to herself, when Zola hops over and puts her head right on Juju's boob.

ZOLA: Hi, Mommy!

She lays a horribly sloppy kiss right across Juju's mouth and breathes directly in her face, blissfully and absent-mindedly glancing around the room.

JUJU: The mood is ruined. (sighs)

THE END
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