Friday, November 8, 2013

Life with Pets: Afternoon Without the Pets - A One-Act Play

It is Saturday, a day of much mirth for the Three-Juju household, for it is a day that the humans have a chance to get out of the house and be together. The animals, however, are used to JUJU, who is clutching her vintage purse (a gift from her wonderful grandmother) happily, being there at all hours, free to give pets, food, and entertainment (like children). ZOLA frets by the back door, which leads to the car and to freedom, and BITSY sits on top of the fridge, curiously eyeing THREE and Juju. 

JUJU: Okay, did we turn off the upstairs light?
THREE: We're only going to be gone a couple of hours, Juju.
JUJU: I know, but still! Electricity!
THREE: Do you want me to go double check?
JUJU: Maybe.
THREE: Sigh.

Three makes his way offstage, mumbling the whole way, and both KITKAT and BINA enter, glancing around the kitchen warily.

KITKAT: Something is off.
BINA: Are we moving? I don't like moving? I am hungry?
KITKAT: I don't like this. Wait, where is the smallest furry; I'll take out my anxiety on her.
BITSY: YOU CAN'T GET ME UP HERE.
ZOLA: What's that word I like? Ride?? I think it's ride. Mommy, are we going for a ride?? I LOVE RIDES!!!

Zola flails about aimlessly and nearly knocks Juju off her feet. Bina darts under the little console table next to the door, where the food is naturally, and Kitkat hops on top of the washer, sitting defiantly on top of just-cleaned laundry. She sees a lonely dime sitting on the edge of the washing machine and blatantly, while keeping eye contact with Juju, knocks it to the floor.

KITKAT: The thing is on the floor now. You can't leave.
BINA: Hungry?
ZOLA: RIDE!!!!
JUJU: Oh, come on.
BITSY: Wait, are you leaving??

Three comes back into the kitchen and grabs Kitkat from the washer, cradling her in his arms. 

THREE: We need to put her upstairs, too.
JUJU: Oh, that's right. Good call.

Since Kitkat has a habit of terrorizing Bitsy just because (Juju has come downstairs after hearing what sounded like death screams to a satisfied Kitkat and a scratched up Bitsy more times than she can count), she is usually banished to the second level with her own food and water bowls and litter box; oddly enough, she seems to prefer it, although she does scold Three and Juju whenever they return. 

KITKAT: Is this an "I'm taking you to give you a bath" carry or a "I'm sending you upstairs" carry? We both know what will happen if there is a bath involved.
THREE: Quit your bitching. You're going upstairs.
KITKAT: GOOD.

As she watches Three take Kitkat, Bina suddenly realizes what's going on. Her separation anxiety stems from her lack of access to food during the interim between leaving and returning.

BINA: But ... but ... hungry? Mommy? HUNGRY??
JUJU: I'll feed you when we get back.
BINA: I MIGHT DIE?
JUJU: Calm down. You'll be fine.
ZOLA: RIDE!!!!

Bitsy has since jumped down from the fridge and paces in front of the back door.

BITSY: Tyrannical Not-Friend can escape!
JUJU: You'll be fine, too. Three will shut the door nice and tight.
BITSY: I'll miss you! You are my mobile launching pad whenever you're in here!
JUJU: You jump perfectly well without my assistance.
BITSY: THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT.
ZOLA: RIIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!!!

By this time, Three has returned, a few scratches on his arms.

THREE: She protested.
JUJU: Of course.
ZOLA: We are going for the ride now?
BINA: HUNGRY??
BITSY: MOMMYYYY!
JUJU: You guys have to stay here. We'll be back.

Bitsy climbs up Juju's leg and digs her claws into the purse.

BITSY: DON'T LEAVE!

Juju frustratedly removes each of Bitsy's talons from the purse and cuddles her, which seems to calm the little cat down. Bina sits stubbornly by the food canister and glances back and forth between it and her owners. 

BINA: Hungry.

Three and Juju make eye contact and nod. Three basically runs to the door and swings it open, blocking Zola's access to it with his foot, and Juju tosses Bitsy back onto the fridge and makes a break for the door. On his way to shut the door behind him, Zola manages to wedge her head far enough through the frame that he can't close it, and when he tries to push her head through, she barrels toward the car with glee.

ZOLA: RIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!
JUJU: Zola! Get BACK here.

Zola doesn't hear her and instead runs spastically around the vehicle, trying to guess which door will magically open the world of Car Rides. 

THREE: Dammit.
JUJU: I'll get her. ZOLA.
ZOLA: Mommy?

Zola's ears flatten on her head and her eyes widen, like she's been caught eating cat shit out of the litter box again. Juju points to the back door, and Zola sighs as she plods back through it, disappointed with the lack of a ride. Juju shuts the door again, and she and Three smile happily. As they walk away, they hear a few knocks and the scratching of claws. When they turn around, they see Bitsy, dangling by her front paws as she stares out the back door's window and calls out to them desperately.

BITSY: Come BAAACK!! I HAVE NEEDS AND AM SMALL AND ADORABLE!

Juju and Three shrug and hop into the car, going on a date to Burger King.

THE END


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