Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Life With Pets - Kitty Ferry

In a sparsely decorated kitchen in rural Tennessee, BITSY, a small gray and white tabby, stands atop the lone refrigerator and surveys her surroundings. It is midday, and the sounds of a "Friends" rerun plays in the background. She looks around the kitchen and then plaintively wails.


Off stage, we hear JUJU trip over something.

JUJU: (off stage) What is it Bitsy?

Rubbing her knee, Juju appears, looking back and silently cursing whatever she ran into a few moments before.

BITSY: I don't want to be up here any longer. 
JUJU: Then get down.
BITSY: Help me.
JUJU: So  you're telling me that, even though you were able to jump up there with no problems - using the window ledge that is less than two feet away from you, I might add - you are now incapable of just retracing your footsteps.
BITSY: (beat) Yes. 
JUJU: Sigh. Fine.

Juju approaches the fridge, arms outstretched to grab her little kitty, but Bitsy has other ideas. She leaps onto Juju's shoulder, sinking her claws in for "balance."


Bitsy seems less than aware that her caretaker is in any pain and proceeds to turn around and stick her butt in Juju's face. ZOLA, the sweet, if slightly dumb, English bulldog, having heard Juju's cry, bounds into the kitchen with fervor, followed closely by a curious BINA, the only chill, although perpetually hungry, cat in the household.

BINA: Food? This is the place with the food?
ZOLA: I have no idea what I'm doing. 
BITSY: Mommy is my Kitty Ferry. Also, I would like to go to the mantle above the fake fireplace. Your fleece is there, and I'd like to cover it in my hair so everyone at work and beyond will know that you are mine.

KITKAT, with her air of superiority, ambles into the kitchen, and Bitsy, her arch nemesis, hisses at her as a warning. Of sorts. 

BITSY: You cannot get me up here, so I am brave. 
KITKAT: Whatever. I can't reach you, so I'm being blasé. FOR NOW. As a side note, I am not entirely sure I know what blasé means.

Juju, annoyed that her TV watching was interrupted by a cat with the attention span of a gnat, picks up Bitsy and sets her on the washer (what? she didn't design the layout of this house).

JUJU: Well, since I'm in here, I might as well get a snack. Or something. 
BINA: Snacks? Doesn't that mean food?
BITSY: Come back! I suddenly remembered that I need to be on your shoulder!
KITKAT: I am biding my time.
ZOLA: Laaaaadeeeedaaaaaa!

Juju starts to rummage through the fridge for whatever leftovers she can find, while Zola intently watches her, wishing that somewhere in there a treat waits for her (there isn't one). Bina is also hopeful, but she is also aware that Juju never feeds her from the fridge. Kitkat loses interest in the scene and decides to sulk elsewhere, and Bitsy takes the opportunity to leap onto Juju's back.

JUJU: Bitsy. What are you doing?
BITSY: You are my ferry. 
JUJU: I can't stand up straight now.
BITSY: That's okay.

As Juju tries to stand up straight, Bitsy digs her claws into her back.

BITSY: Hey! Stop!
JUJU: For fuck's sake, Bitsy!

Simply responding to biological impulses, Juju shoots straight up, which only causes Bitsy to latch on tighter. Juju lowers back down to a perpendicular angle and turns her head to glare at Bitsy.

JUJU: It's a good thing you're adorable, by the way.

Zola thinks that it is playtime and tries to give Juju kisses. 

JUJU: How IS it that this is my life every godforsaken day?

Bina sniffs her food bowl, which has been licked clean by Zola earlier as Juju folded laundry and watched "Friends." She makes no sound, but her expression is judge-y. Kitkat returns into the kitchen, instinctually knowing that Bitsy is in a better position in which she can be attacked. Bitsy, still clinging to Juju's shirt (and skin), hisses at Kitkat again, but Kitkat's eyes are locked onto the kitten ... and the pupils are dilated into Kill Mode.


Bitsy arches her back and puts her tail, still unaware that Juju is getting ready to go ape-shit because of the tiny talons digging into her back. 

KITKAT: You will be my noms.
BINA: Food?
ZOLA: I don't think that's playing. I should go.
JUJU: Dear GOD, your CLAWS, Bitsy!!

Juju manages to distort her body and arms enough to where she can grab Bitsy and cradle her. Kitkat has lost interest in her prey, and Bina finally figured out that the food bowl still had kibbles in it. Zola meekly peeks around the corner into the kitchen. 

ZOLA: Is it safe?

Kitkat meanders right past her but stops briefly to look at the now-timid bulldog. Zola lowers her head and widens her eyes.

KITKAT: I shall spare you my wrath today, Slobbery One.

As if nothing had happened, Zola bounds into the kitchen and plops on the floor with a thud. Bitsy watches the kitchen entrance but eventually jumps out of Juju's arms onto the counter. 

BITSY: I don't like her.
JUJU: Well, she doesn't like you, either.

Juju decides she'd like some coffee, because she must be alert to a) avoid being a human pin cushion and b) defuse any kitty incidents that may (will) occur. Behind her, she hears Bitsy leap onto the washer and land (again) on her shoulder. 

BITSY: I forgot I wanted you to take me to the living room. Your fleece is calling me. 
JUJU: Sigh. Fine. Coffee can wait.

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