Friday, June 20, 2014

Life with Pets: Instincts - A One-Act Play

It is yet another sunny day in New Town, where Three and Juju have just moved. All the cats, Kitkat, Bina, and Bitsy, seem to have adjusted well, and Zola, the bulldog, doesn't much know the difference, except that the floor is now fuzzy and the vacuum cleaner is taken out more often than the Swiffer or broom. JUJU sits at the bar in the kitchen, typing away at her computer, while BINA stares out the Kitty TV (aka Window) at all the non-activity in the apartment complex. ZOLA drinks some water out of her new bucket, and BITSY is scanning the apartment for something to destroy or knock over. 

JUJU: Damn, I need to clean out the shit box. I forgot to do that last night.

She stands up and immediately draws the attention of all the animals present.

ZOLA: Are we going outside? I like outside. I also like treats. And pets. Will any of these happen?
BITSY: Mommy? I knocked over a DVD stack.
BINA: Food?

As Juju lifts the top of the litter box* up, Zola's ears perk up

ZOLA: Treats?? I almost never get treats from there!!
JUJU: These are not for you. Go lay down. This goes in the dumpster.
ZOLA: (forlornly) Okay. This Dumpster thing gets all the good treats.
BINA: I would still like food?
BITSY: You are getting rid of my smell? Why??

With each scoop that goes into the trash bag, Bitsy behaves more and more nervous, trying to hop into the litter box.

BITSY: I have to pee.
JUJU: You literally just peed less than thirty minutes ago.
BITSY: Don't care.

Losing interest, Bina saunters back to her entertainment on the Kitty TV, luckily catching a glimpse of an adventurous bird that likes one of the plants that the neighbors hung up outside. Curiosity getting the better of her, KITKAT appears from the bedroom but only sticks her head out enough to where no one is actually aware of her presence. Her pupils dilate and she goes into Huntress Mode.

BITSY: Hurry. I have to pee.
JUJU: God, seriously? Go bother Bina. Or Zola. It doesn't matter which.
BITSY: This is a war you aren't going to win, Mommy.
JUJU: (sighs) I know. But I have to at least act like I'm in control, okay?
BITSY: Seems logical.
KITKAT: (aside, staring at Bitsy) I must bide my time.

With the final kitty glooble, Juju closes the trash bag and places it outside the front door, much to Zola's chagrin. She picks up Bitsy, who is already inside the topless litter box, and places her on top of the coffee table. Disgruntled, Bitsy waits until Juju sprinkles some new litter and a bit of baking soda, and once the human lady is done, she glances in each direction to see if her nemesis is in sight. 

BITSY: Do you see Tyrannical Not-Friend, Mommy?
JUJU: Nope, just go pee. Or poop. Or whatever. Sometimes you just go in there to scratch around.
BITSY: I am a cat. There is no sense to what I do.
JUJU: Agreed.
KITKAT: Soon.

Lowering herself into the shit box, Bitsy proceeds to do her business, occasionally popping her head up to survey her surroundings. Bina is now napping, and Zola has started gnawing on her Nylabone with such glee that even Bitsy wishes she was a dog. Juju is again staring at the computer screen, only now the soundtrack to Buffy the Vampire Slayer's "Once More with Feeling" episode is playing, and Kitkat is still in Huntress Mode, although Bitsy cannot see her (Kitkat is good at this). Bitsy finishes her duties and commences the final ritual: scraping around aimlessly.

JUJU: Bitsy! Scratching the sides does nothing!
BITSY: INSTINCTS.
ZOLA: It is weird that they poop in a box and try to cover it up.
JUJU: You try to cover yours with grass.
ZOLA: That is not the same thing. Nomnomnom Nylabone.
KITKAT: So. Close.

Bitsy sticks her head out, pleased with her Shit Box Adventure, and puts her paws on the lid, readying herself to leap out.

KITKAT: NOW!!!!!

Upon seeing Kitkat launching at her, Bitsy lets out a terrified wail, causing Juju, Bina, and Zola to jump, and Bitsy flies out of the litter box, tossing litter in every which direction.

BITSY: TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND!! FLEEEEEEE!!

Because the apartment is much smaller than the house in Small Town, Bitsy has fewer places to escape, so she scrambles to reach Juju's lap. She sinks her claws into Juju's thighs.

JUJU: OW! Dear God, you two! KITAT.

Kitkat recognizes both the tone in Juju's voice and the irate expression on her face.

KITKAT: (shrugs) Instincts.

Juju goes to fetch the broom, the Swiffer, and the vacuum cleaner, grumbling the whole way.

The End.

* Juju bought a top-loading litter box, which is awesome because a) Zola can't eat shit/kitty treats, b) the kitties seem to like the privacy, and c) there is SO MUCH less litter on the floor. Usually.
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