Thursday, June 26, 2014

Positive Affirmations and a Dream Journal

Okay, so Three and I went to our first class at the School of Metaphysics on Monday evening, and it was ... oddly awesome. We have one other person, M, in our class, and she's a Sag like me, so we are already getting along swimmingly. Our instructor, who I'll be referring to as J-Rock, is an incredibly insightful person and probably one of the chillest guys I've ever met. Eventually, Three and I will be split up into two separate classes, to provide us each with our own experience separate from another, but for now? Yep. We'll be in school together.

Funnily enough, the first class coincided with the last post of mine about my depression, and I walked out of class feeling so much better than I did when I walked in. I'm not going to lie; I was mainly going for two reasons. I needed to get out of the house, and I was skeptical that this would be any help to me. I consider myself a Christian with Buddhist tendencies, so this was definitely out of my little box. I practiced Wicca when I was in my late teens into my early twenties, so it wasn't as if I was unfamiliar with the whole metaphysical thing. But I've been so adverse to joining any spiritual community, Christian or otherwise, mainly due to incredibly negative experiences in churches, covens, and temples. Still, I got in the car and told myself that I would at least give it a shot, for Three's sake.

The school is located in a little house about ten minutes away from our cave, and it's probably the cutest place I've been to in a while: probably built in the 30s or 40s, lots of calming pastels, an open kitchen when you first walk in (with, of course, as much neo-crunchy food as you can imagine), tons of inviting decorations everywhere. And the people? Oh, my GOD, the people. Some of the friendliest, most open individuals I have ever crossed. I didn't feel like an outsider, which is usually what happens when I'm in a brand new place where everyone knows each other. We were all there for the same thing: to learn about ourselves and God, in whichever image we choose to see It*.

Anyway, class was three hours long, and it was basically just finding out what the school was about, getting our first "homework" - some reading for next week's class, starting a dream journal, and a concentration exercise - and learning about each other. But honestly? I got so much more out of the first class than I thought I would. Even in college, the first class was usually "here's the syllabus, I'm a hardass/easy-going teacher, no homework for today/here's the first assignment, etc." so I wasn't necessarily paying too much attention during those. But in the introduction, one of the other graduated students (on a CD) said something that still sticks with me: "Obstacles are what you expect them to be." And that got me thinking about what I said just a few days ago. To paraphrase: will I ever get better or am I doomed to repeat the cycle of depression over and over again until the day I die?"

Obstacles are what you expect them to be. Before class, I was talking to a woman we'll call Betty, and I was explaining how I felt like I had come across this wall with no possible way to avoid it, that I'd just set up camp and was trying to figure out a way to blast it into oblivion, climb it, dig under it, or whatever. I simply was stuck, and she said, "Or you just recognize that it's there for a reason and then build a door." I don't think I can express to you how much this hit me later. Any obstacles that are in my way are there for a reason, and I have to accept them. My depression has a source and a purpose; it's a landmark, a monument to this thing I hadn't been able to deal with. This idea that I had to conform and live a life that wasn't mine. I'm not going to delve too deeply into, mainly because I haven't actually come to terms with it yet. But fuck if I'm not going to build that goddamn door. It may take a while, considering how far this goes back, but I think that I can do it. No, I know that I can do it.

Now, don't worry. I'm not going to go all esoteric on you. Believe me, there is nothing more annoying than constant reminders that someone is spiritual (at least to me). I once dated a guy who referred to Jesus and His Saving Grace in every conversation, even when we were discussing where we were going to eat that night. This was mainly a diary entry for me, really - a way for me to document the beginning of something that is going to be wonderful, which I am pretty sure is much less of a mood killer than another screed on why I'm depressed. So wish me luck, friends, and I'll see you on the other side.

* We really need to find a pronoun that doesn't have the blah quality of "it."
** Granted, the people who write the little blurbs tend to know specific signs really well and will just scribble down something that appeals to each sign. Like for most Sagittarius ones? "Go ahead and go with your gut feeling! You will find the path!" Ugh. Eye. Roll. Or for Libras? "Be sure to find the balance in your situation because you're the only one who can see it."
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