Friday, July 4, 2014

Life with Pets: Don't Mess with Routines - A One-Act Play

It is morning in the Three-Juju household, and Juju is at work, providing financial services that fuck people over with high-interest rates help people make it between pay checks, leaving THREE to his own devices. On days like these, as per usual, he has his schedule set pretty regularly, where he has just returned from taking ZOLA, the slobbery bulldog, for a glorious walk. While KITKAT is splayed lazily on the couch, BINA sits directly in front of the door, ready for The Routine to begin. Zola flails about because she is Zola.

ZOLA: I pooped and it was amazing and I forgot what I was doing.
THREE: Let me take off the leash, dog.
ZOLA: Is it food time?? It should be food time.
BINA: Agreed? I am hungry?
THREE: Guys. You know the routine.
BINA/ZOLA: SIGH.
KITKAT: Whatever.

Once he's able to wrangle the leash off of Zola, Three continues in The Routine, heading for the bathroom where he takes care of his ... business (aka pooping)*. As he's sitting on the pearly throne, he notices that his ankles are hurting him a bit. He rubs them gingerly and grimaces.

THREE: Hm. Maybe I should take a bath to take care of the aching. 

Zola forgets that she hates the tiny room where the Tub of Evil exists to torture her with baths, so she barrels into the bathroom. As she sees that Three has turned on the Wicked Water, she slowly backs up.

ZOLA: He can't see me, can he?
THREE: Zola, this bath isn't for you.
ZOLA: He. Said. BATH. THIS IS NOT A PART OF THE ROUTINE.

Zola retreats more quickly than a bulldog should. Three rolls his eyes.

THREE: I'm sorry that I messed up The Routine, Zola, but my ankles are killing me.
ZOLA: (off stage) I don't understand what you are saying over the WICKED WATER.

The tub starts to fill up, releasing a pleasant warm mist into the air. Three takes a deep breath, ready for some R&R. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Bina flies into the bathroom, fully expecting there to be an empty tub, for you see, based on The Routine, Bina would come to visit Three on the toilet and would play with whatever hair band had been left on the side of the tub. Instead, her little furry body is met with a half-full bathtub. 

BINA: WATER??!!

She leaps upward, desperately scratching her claws on the wall to keep her from plummeting back into tub, but alas, she plops down, this time, completely drenching her. She then scrambles to pull herself out and zips out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of water behind her. Three doesn't know if he will ever be able to stop laughing and simultaneously feels awful for the poor kitty.

THREE: (in between chortles) Bina? Are you okay?
BINA: (offstage) THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH ROUTINES! EVER!
THREE: I'm sorry, Bina.
BINA: (offstage) I'm never coming out from underneath the bed. 

The End.

* How he schedules his poops baffles Juju.
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