Friday, September 5, 2014

Life with Pets: Three, The Cats, and a Tent - A One-Act Play

(I know that this is realllllllly overdue - and I am soooooo sorry for that - but a lot of shit went down at Three's work, so it was necessary to postpone posting his very own Life with Pets vignette. Plus, we had last month's 31 Day Challenge, but here it is!)

Oftentimes, in our lives, we have the feeling that where we are and what we are doing is not taking us in the direction we would like to go; so at those times, we make whatever moves are necessary to alter the course of our lives in such a way that we, once again, feel like each day takes us someplace. It was one of those Life Events that led to the following circumstances.

THREE returns to the pitiful tent he erected a few days before upon arriving at the state park around an hour away from his new job. It is Derby Week in Louisville, KY, so there is literally nothing available in town that doesn't cost a bazillion dollars, leaving him very little choice except to camp out during his first two weeks in Kentucky. He unzips the "door" and peeks into his little 9'x5' domicile. KITKAT rests on top of several pillows, that by this point, have a lovely "woodsy" aroma to them. 

THREE: Kitkat? Bina? I am home! Er, back at the tent.
KITKAT: Back to this sullen, water-soaked hell, you mean.
THREE: It's only temporary, you complaining ball of black fur.
KITKAT: Like my love for you.

Confused, Three scans the small tent for the other kitty.

THREE: Bina? Bina? What the hell? Where are you?? There's only so far you could go! Bina??
KITKAT: She's dead.
THREE: Oh, shut up. Where is she?
KITKAT: Dead.

Three turns his head to look over his surroundings outside the tent. Bina is nowhere to be seen.

THREE: Bina!

He steps into the tent and zips up the screen, frantically lifting pillows and blankets in search of Bina.

THREE: Well, you aren't under the blanket. Are you under ... the ummmmm ... no, because there is literally nothing else to be under. What in the hell? BINA!!

Exasperated, Three sits down onto the blanket and rests his arm on one of the pillows he didn't pick up.

THREE: Why does this pillow feel lumpy?
BINA: (from inside the pillowcase) Hello?

BINA sticks her head out of the pillowcase.

BINA: Oh! Good, it's just you.
KITKAT: Could have been dead.
THREE: (to Kitkat) Oh, hush. (to Bina) What were you doing in there?
BINA: Hiding.
THREE: From what?
BINA: The evil puppies that roam around the woods, howl at the moon, and eat defenseless kittens.
THREE: Who says they eat defenseless kittens?
KITKAT: Not me. / BINA: Kitkat.
THREE: (sighs) Coyotes don't come around in the daylight.

Bina crawls into Three's lap and begins to purr loudly.

KITKAT: Says the human who goes off to god-knows-where all day, probably where he is safe from the evil puppies.
BINA: He said they're coyotes.
KITKAT: You're taking the word of the guy who took us away from our cozy castle with only a mentally-infirm puppy who was no threat to anybody?
BINA: I liked the way she snorted.
KITKAT: You would. Maybe you should try and cuddle with the coyotes.
THREE: Okay, if you don't quit it, I'm going to put you in the car right now -

Kitkat's eyes widen at the threat, and she curls her tail under her body. The car had always been a source of torture for her, going back as far as that time she went to the vet that took her uterus.

KITKAT: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! I love the both of you. And the Zola-Slobber.

Three scratches Kitkat's head and the bottom of Bina's chin. He and the cats have bonded in their collective misery since arriving in the state park, and "arguments" like these were their version of venting.

THREE: However, I hate to break it to you, but we're getting back in the car and going back to see Mommy again.
KITKAT: Whhaaatttt? (cries) Nooooooooo!
BINA: Noooo?
THREE: Sorry, guys. I know the car sucks, but we only have to deal with it a little bit longer.
KITKAT: I'll believe that when we have a castle again.
BINA: The car isn't too bad if you just find a hidden place deep under the seats and -
KITKAT: It's never okay ... ever.
THREE: Hey, at least the tiny one isn't here? The drive back up here is another story. I really hope we can get some kitty sedatives so she isn't pissing and shitting on everything, while meowing at the top of her lungs.

Kitkat's mood darkens, yet again. She took a certain pleasure at being known as Tyrannical Not-Friend by little Bitsy, who was currently housed back in Tennessee with the Mom-Human. Their mutual loathing began when the kitten had bopped Kitkat on the head when she was finishing her business inside the litter box. 

KITKAT: That pint-sized brat punched me on the head like six hundred times the last time we were stuck together. If I wasn't so upset at the whole world at the moment - and depressed beyond being able to move - I would have bitten her head off. Starting at the tail.
BINA: I like her. Except when she wants to play and I don't.
KITKAT: She invaded our space!
BINA: If I recall correctly, that's what you did to me!
KITKAT: Fight?
BINA: Bring it.
THREE: Both of you settle down.
KITKAT: Okay, but you must understand that I'm pissing on your blanket when we come back.
THREE: I believe you. I'm going to go start the car.
KITKAT/BINA: Siiiiiiiiigh.

The End.
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