Friday, October 24, 2014

Life with Pets: Dinnertime

As the day approaches evening, THREE and JUJU return to their apartment after work with a few bags from the grocery store. ZOLA eagerly bounces in front of them, excited that a) her humans are home and b) she will be going outside to pee and poop. BITSY sits on the arm of the chair situated right next to the front door; BINA remains in the window (where she has appropriately destroyed yet another part of the blinds); and KITKAT emerges from her slumber on the couch with a wide-mouthed yawn.

THREE: We're home!
ZOLA: ZOMG DADDY MOMMY PEE POOP ZOMG
JUJU: Hang on a second, Zola. Let me help Three with the bags, and then I'll take you out.
BITSY: I was lonely!!
BINA: (does not move but looks in the direction of the half-full - or are they half-empty - food bowls) Hungry?

Bitsy leaps onto Juju's shoulder with ease and begins to knead out of sheer joy. 

JUJU: Ow! Fuck! Stop it!

Unfortunately, Juju does not have the arms available to remove the unruly kitty from her back, so she purses her lips and trudges toward the kitchen area. Bitsy hisses at Kitkat as Juju passes by the lounging older cat, but Kitkat seems to merely shrug and starts to lick herself.

THREE: She's your cat.
JUJU: (eyeing Kitkat) And the bitchy one's yours.
THREE: True.

The two humans place the grocery bags on the counter, and while Three starts to pull food items out of them to make dinner, Juju lowers herself to let Bitsy jump off of her shoulders. Bitsy lands softly on top of some papers and then proceeds to knock them off of the counter. Juju rolls her eyes and mentally notes to pick the papers up when she returns.

JUJU: You ready to go outside? Potty time??
ZOLA: O.M.G. YUSSSSSS. This is the best day EVAR!

Juju struggles to keep Zola still as she tries to attach the lead to the dog's collar. When it finally latches, Zola jumps up and down with delight. 

JUJU: We'll be back in a minute!

As soon as the door closes, Bitsy turns her attention to what Three is doing at the kitchen sink.

BITSY: Whatcha doin'?
THREE: So it begins.

Bitsy sticks her paw out as Three chops celery stalks, but he quickly swats at her.

THREE: Quit it.
BITSY: What are you dooooing?
THREE: I'm making food. You don't like celery.
BITSY: MAYBE I DO. YOU DON'T KNOW.
THREE: We have done this dance time and time again. You only spit it out and then sniff at it. Sometimes you just flick it on the ground and stare at it.
BITSY: So?
THREE: Go on. Go play with Kitkat. Or better yet, go look out the window for Mommy and Zola.
BITSY: This is far more interesting.

The human and cat continue to battle. Every time Bitsy makes an advance on the raw food items, Three simply picks her up and puts her down on the ground. And then Bitsy tries to take a different route back onto the counter, hoping that Three won't see her. 

BINA: Hungry???

While Bitsy and Three have warred, Bina has surreptitiously hopped onto the counter opposite of the stove and stares at the scene with a plaintive look. 

THREE: There is food in your bowl.
BINA: I don't see any?
THREE: (sighs) Check again.

Bitsy knocks over a bowl of newly chopped cilantro into the sink.

BITSY: I don't like that stuff .
THREE: Dammit, Bitsy.
BITSY: Do you have chicken?
THREE: No, this is a meat-free dinner.
BITSY: (horrified) WHY.

Juju and Zola return from the poop-and-pee parade, with the puppy exhilarated and the human frustrated. 

ZOLA: BEST! DAY! EVARRRR!
JUJU: She just had to go greet every person in the parking lot, and she tugged so hard that it ripped the leash right out of my hand.
THREE: But she pooped?
JUJU: (growls) Yes. She pooped. Right next to the grass. Good thing my mom bought those pooper scooper baggie things.

Three makes a sharp turn to grab another bowl and stumbles. He looks down to see an oblivious Zola staring up at him.

ZOLA: Daddy! We are playing the foot-pets game again?
THREE: No, Zola. You need to get out of the kitchen.

Zola's ears droop and her eyes widen. 

THREE: Zola. Go on.
ZOLA: (bounces backward about one inch) Is this far enough?
THREE: Out. Of. The. Kitchen.

Zola sulks just outside of the carpet-meets-linoleum barrier line with what appears to be an expression very close to a pout. After a few minutes, as Juju distracts the animals from bothering Three, the husband comes out of the kitchen with two bowls of bean salad, a favorite meal of both humans, and toasted pita chips. 

JUJU: Oooooh, I can smell the cilantro from here!
BITSY: Wait, do I like cilantro?
JUJU/THREE: NO.
BITSY: ... Oh.
ZOLA: Oh, I would like to eat human food very much!
KITKAT: (as Three nearly sits down on her on the couch) Hey! I was sitting here first!!! (off his glare) Okay, fine. I'll sit up on the back of the couch, then.

Bina hops up right next to Juju and sniffs the pita chips. Bitsy continues to swat at Three's plate from the arm of the couch, and Zola places her giant head in between Juju's legs, staring forlornly at her owner. 

BINA: Food?
BITSY: Gimme.
ZOLA: Please, I would like some.
THREE: Okay, guys, go away. You all have food in your bowls.
BITSY/ZOLA/BINA: But it's not people food.
THREE: (to Juju) This is your fault.
JUJU: (sheepishly) I know. I'm sorry. But they're just so cute. And it's usually only, like, a single chip or a tiny little bite. And I don't do it every time. (pause) You want to go eat in the bed-closet? We can close the door.
THREE: (considers for a moment) Yeah. That sounds like a good idea.

Three and Juju rise, lifting their plates above the cats' reach, and make their way to the bed-closet, the animals - except Kitkat - in close pursuit. When Juju shuts the door behind them, all four animals stare in confusion. 

ZOLA: But ... but ...
KITKAT: I wasn't even trying to steal the food!
BINA: Hungry?
BITSY: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! I want in!

Bitsy scratches at the door and, suddenly noticing that Kitkat is less than a kitty's body-length away from her, starts to hiss. 

BITSY: Tyrannical Not-Friend!!
KITKAT: I have literately been here the entire time.
ZOLA: (cowering between Kitkat and Bitsy and whining) I think I want to not be here now.
BINA: HUNNNGRYYY??

Juju yanks the door open in frustration, scaring the animals. 

JUJU: You. Guys. All we want is five minutes. That's it. Five minutes to eat in peace. CAN YOU JUST STOP MAKING NOISE PLEASE?

After a few moments, Bitsy launches at Kitkat and then leaps up on Juju's shoulder and into the bed-closet, where she lands on the middle shelf of the wall-attached bookshelves. Kitkat blinks and shrugs, sauntering into the bed-closet, and Zola follows her, pushing the door fully open with her giant 50-pound bulldog body. Only Bina remains in the small hallway, staring up at Juju.

BINA: Hungry?
JUJU: (sighs) Fine. Come on.
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