Friday, October 3, 2014

Life with Pets: Sleep - A One-Act Play

At the end of a very busy day, THREE and JUJU are preparing to go to bed: Three is under the covers, reading a book from his obscure collection, and Juju has just returned from taking an excited ZOLA for a final poop-pee session on the grounds of the apartment complex. KITKAT has just disappeared under the bed, and BINA sits atop Juju's pillow, licking her fur contentedly. 

THREE: Everything go okay?
JUJU: Yup. She even got to see Red again.
THREE: Red's owner still got the hots for you?
JUJU: (sighs) He stared at my boobs the whole time.
THREE: I don't blame him.
JUJU: Do you really want me to go on a feminist rant right now?

With much effort, Zola gracelessly jumps up onto the bed and lands squarely on Three's lower legs. 

THREE: Dammit, Zola. Every. Time.
ZOLA: (tongue hanging out blissfully) I am comfy.
JUJU: She loves you, honey.
THREE: My legs do not return those feelings. And after a while, they won't have anything remotely close to feelings.

As Zola adjusts her position to between Three's legs, Juju crawls into bed next to Three and snuggles next to him. Annoyed, Bina moves to the not-as-comfortable spot between her humans' pillows and huffs at no one in particular. 

JUJU: Do you want me to spoon you?
THREE: (closing his book and placing it onto the bedside table) You know what? Yeah. I do.

He turns on his side and assumes Little Spoon position, and Juju wraps her arm around his torso. After ensuring that the coast is clear, BITSY leaps onto the bed and climbs onto Juju with a happy meow. 

BITSY: You know what comes before Sleep Time!!
JUJU: Shit, Bitsy, not tonight. I'm exhausted.

Bitsy ignores Juju's request and approaches her human with purpose. She then proceeds to lick Juju all over the face.

JUJU: Bitsy, your tongue is rough.
BITSY: All the better to clean you with.
JUJU: I think you're just trying to figure out if I'd be a tasty meal.
BITSY: Your assumption is not incorrect. But also, I love you!
JUJU: Gah, it's like a tiny, organic microderm abrasion.

Kitkat emerges from under the bed and pokes her head up just enough so that only her widened eyes are showing. 

KITKAT: (whispers) Small. Furry.

The older cat jumps onto the bed, and Bitsy immediately stops licking Juju to turn her head and hiss quasi-menacingly. 

JUJU: Not now, you two. There's a truce declared between certain hours so I and Three can get some rest.
KITKAT: I don't remember this agreement.
BITSY: Neither do I.

Bina farts loudly right next to Juju's head and looks directly into Juju's eyes. 

BINA: What is "own?"
KITKAT: Hahaha, we own you. From what delusion do you suffer?
BITSY: (lowering her body stealthily) Don't mind me. I'm going to creep away now. Quietly.
ZOLA: Mommy, are you upset? Do you need kisses?
THREE: (tossing off the covers) Ugh, I'm going to go sleep on the couch.

The End.
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