Thursday, June 11, 2015

Life with Pets: Bitsy Is Preggo

JUJU sits on one of the lawn chairs that she and Three have inside their living room, seeing as they sold nearly all of their furniture a two years prior and they haven't had the chance to go pick up what little they do have, stored in a unit a few states away. ZOLA snores at Juju's feet as her human types on her computer, and THREE watches a documentary while propped up on a pair of pillows, with KITKAT curled up on the small of his back. 

BITSY: (off stage) WHAT IS THIS?
JUJU: What's wrong, Bitzen?

BITSY, nearly bursting with kittens, storms into the living room with fire in her eyes. Kitkat opens her eyes but chooses to ignore the situation. 

BITSY: THE WATER BOWL IS NOT AS FULL AS I WANT IT.
JUJU: You have got to be kidding me.
BITSY: UNACCEPTABLE. PUT MORE WATER IN IT.
JUJU: No. There's plenty in there already.
BITSY: ALSO I NEED FOOD.
JUJU: There's food in your bowl.
BITSY: BUT IT ISN'T THE KIND THAT I WANT.
JUJU: You have never been picky about your food.
BITSY: PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.
BINA: (running in from stage right) We are talking about noms?
JUJU: (rolling her eyes) No, we aren't. Bitsy is.
BITSY: I DEMAND MOUSE.
KITKAT: I beheaded the last one. The humans decided to throw it out.
THREE: It was gross, Kitkat.
KITKAT: So you say.
BINA: (disappointed) Aww, no tailless lizard? I didn't eat him, but he was fun to torture?

Huffing in frustration, Bitsy sits awkwardly on the floor next to Zola, who slowly scoots away. The pregnant kitty tries to raise her leg to groom her undercarriage. It does not work out so well, and she plops on her side.

BITSY: I AM UNCOMFORTABLE.
JUJU: God, I know. You tell us every damn day.
BITSY: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
THREE: Hey, you didn't show any signs of being in heat, cat. Then you escaped and went AWOL on us for 36 hours.
BITSY: I HAD NEEDS.
KITKAT: I was happy you were gone.
BINA: I got more food.
ZOLA: I had to comfort Mommy SO. MUCH. But that's okay because I like cuddles.
BITSY: WHATEVER, I'M BURNING UP. WHERE IS THE VENT?

After a moment, Bina gets a look in her eye and heads over to the litter box, but despite her obsession with lying over the A/C vent, Bitsy springs into action. 

BITSY: (hissing) THAT IS MY LITTER BOX.
BINA: Eep*! (runs off stage)
JUJU: Bitsy! You don't get to claim a place where all of you shit.
BITSY: BUY ANOTHER ONE.
THREE: You already scared Kitkat and Bina from using the other litter box.
BINA: (off stage) They yelled at me for pooping on the floor, thanks to you.
BITSY: THEY ARE BOTH MINE.
JUJU: Oh my God, when are you due again?
BITSY: WHENEVER I DECIDE.
JUJU: That's not how pregnancy works, but okay.

Not content with simply trying to find a position that is comfortable, Bitsy stands up and goes on the hunt for a secluded place, which naturally means that her first stop is the closed closet next to the front door. She slides her paw underneath the closet door and tries to pry it open, to no avail. Zola wakes up briefly to investigate, but after realizing Bitsy is behind the noise, she returns to peaceful sleep. 

BITSY: MOM USE YOUR MAGIC.
JUJU: No! And stop rattling the door.
BITSY: BUT IT IS CLOSED.
THREE: As it should be.
BITSY: WHAT IF THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING TO HAVE MY KITTENS WHAT THEN.
JUJU: You are not going to give birth in there. You have a nice, comfy box inside the closet in the bedroom.
BITSY: BUT THAT IS FAR AWAY.
KITKAT: Can I stalk her now?
JUJU/THREE: NO.
KITKAT: (pouting) Fine.

Bitsy cocks her head and sees a bird out the window.

BITSY: BIRD! BIRDBIRDBIRDBIRDBIRDBIRDBIRDBIRDBIRD. LET ME OUTSIDE.
JUJU: Dear God, just ... use your inside voice or something. Jesus. Also, no.
BITSY: YOU ARE THE WORST. (curls up under Juju's chair) I AM GOING TO SLEEP NOW. NO ONE BOTHER ME.
ALL: NOT A PROBLEM.

The End.

* This is literally a sound that Bina makes all the time when she's surprised ... which is pretty much every second of every day. She also chirps. Whenever she meows, there is something wrong. Or she's ridiculously hungry. So ... you know, emergencies.
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