Sunday, December 27, 2015

Well, the last quarter of the year has been a complete bitch.

Okay, it's time to play catch up. What with NaNoWriMo - which I didn't finish because, well, I'll get to that in a second - the Reboot challenge, hosting my first ever Thanksgiving dinner, working now two jobs, and traveling to Nashville for Christmas, I haven't really had much energy or time to dedicate to my blog. I feel really bad about it, not so much because people pay attention to what I have to say, but because this is kind of like my diary, my way of processing through whatever it is that happens to be whirling around in my head at the moment. It's helpful for me to process things that way.

With that being said, I'll open with this: my life was turned completely upside down in October of this year, and I'm still working through a lot of what happened. I wasn't in any position, really, to write about it back then, but I think enough time has passed to where I can actually communicate without confusion or fear setting in.

In the middle of October, Three suffered a complete mental break, which lead to him being admitted into the hospital under suicide watch. As important as his side of the story is, I'm not about to tell that because it's not my place. Perhaps he'll do a guest post here in time; I won't pressure him to do it, and it would be wrong for me to expect that he'd agree to it. But my side is something that can be told here. My faith was shaken; not just in my higher power, but in myself. How did I not see it coming? Hindsight is always 20/20, sure, but how in the hell could I miss something like this? There were plenty of signs, plenty of ways I could have acted or chosen differently. To be completely honest, I'm not fully okay here. Back on Thanksgiving, I had what can only be described as a PTSD episode, and part of me is not sure Three's in the clear, even if he is showing such tremendous progress and resilience. I have an appointment with a mental health professional after the first of the year, and I'm hoping that will set me on the path to recovery.

It sounds so damn selfish, just reading aloud what I just typed. Even though my support group I attend each week tells me that I am allowed to have those feelings, it just doesn't feel right, you know? He was the one who went through this trauma, not me; I was just a bystander. Granted, yes, I was there by his side when he went into the hospital, suffered emotional pain as the doctors told me that I couldn't see or talk to him for an undetermined amount of time, and felt the burden of being possibly permanently alone while he was in treatment, but I wasn't the one in a tiny hospital room, wearing paper clothes and being denied a shower or even eating utensils. I wasn't the one who was hearing voices and believing that he was about to star in a reality television show that served only to humiliate him in front of the entire nation. My struggles seem so miniscule compared to that.

Luckily, Three was released a mere three days after he was admitted, and when I went to pick him up, it was all I could do to keep from crying. He looked miserable and tired, but lucid, which was such a huge sigh of relief that nearly everything that had transpired over that weekend seemed to disappear as I ran to hug him. I have no idea how long we just held each other, but the nurses and doctors just let us be. And now, we're in a new phase of our lives, both as a couple and as individuals. Basically, we're relearning each other, and we decided that next year, we are going to renew our vows, which even now brings tears to my eyes. So much of the last five years of our marriage has been unconventional, and dammit, I want to have a ceremony. Our actual wedding* was not so much a wedding but a rush job. We got married in a county courthouse with no witnesses on my lunch break, and I think my sister is still mad at me for doing it that way. And now we get our chance. We haven't decided where - either here in Columbia, or possibly in Asheville, NC, which is one of our happy places - but I already have planning help (hey, Mel!) and I'm pretty sure the colors have been decided.

The last three months have definitely been a new beginning, so I think it's fitting that I'm announcing this now, just a few days away from the end of 2015. I feel like my relationship with my husband is so much stronger, and I know that I've learned more about myself than I had throughout my entire life. In a way, I'm thankful for what happened, which yes, appears to be a callous statement, but even Three would agree that the outcome has been an overwhelmingly positive one. It hasn't been easy, and there's still a lot we have to handle, but dammit, I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I just wanted to do a bit of an update, and starting next month, I'm going to be a lot more active on here because GOALS FOR 2016 (OMG, it's already almost 2016 WTF). So stay tuned! And if I don't post here before then, Happy New Year, Y'all!!

* I will probably do a retro post of our wedding, because it's actually pretty amusing, although you won't be able to hear me to an imitation of the lady at the courthouse, which is a damn shame. I nail her accent.
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