Saturday, October 14, 2017

In which I decide to overload myself ...

Via Popkey
Well, I cannot stay not busy to save my life, apparently. Last month, I did another challenge - and I, if I do say so myself, was very pleased with the results and even finished on time! - at the same time I was working 50 - 60 hours at two jobs, and this month is going to be spent prepping for what is coming next month: NaNoWriMo, or for you laypeople, National Novel Writing Month. Well, that and doing supplemental character posts for my Parks and Rec challenge (which, shit, I really need to start doing those), moving into a new apartment (omg finally*), working, setting up and attending meetings for a paper my friend and I will be starting next year, collecting pieces for my Halloween costume**, getting CPR, ACE Fitness, and pharmacy technician certified, painting a new watercolor/mixed media series, and reworking my pilot script, so yeah, it's going to be a little crazy.

As of right now, I'm prepping, which is still a new thing for me; I'm usually a solid pantser (in that I just go in with no preparation whatsoever and hope for the best), and last year, I tried to do planner but that didn't work out so well for me. I mean, there were quite a few extenuating circumstances - depression, for example - but a big part is that too much structure stresses me out the way too little structure freaks other people out. So I'm writing a basic outline and writing down the general themes to start out with, but I'm creating pretty intense character sheets, complete with detailed backstories and their least favorite food. I'm currently hammering out some details that keep bugging me - and why exactly is this woman in the story??? - and I'm really hoping I'll be decently prepared to win this thing.

At the same time, though, I'm trying to figure out a work-life balance that allows me to do all of these things in addition to exercise and sleep. Self-care has been a huge thing for me since I restarted my life a little over a year and a half ago, and I've realized a lot about myself since then. Whether it's self-inflicted or not, I need a least a bit of chaos in my life to keep me engaged; if I don't, I start to spiral into a depression. On the other hand, if there's too much, I freeze up and end up spending days cuddled up on my bed in a fort of pillows and blankets. So it's a balance that I have to keep, which in and of itself is a type of chaos. That being said, though, because I've been working two jobs, it's been incredibly difficult to keep this balance in check. My sleep has been sacrificed for waking up at godawful hours just so I can pay my meager bills, and when I do get a day off, I end up laying in bed and staring at the ceiling because I'm too exhausted to get up and go for a nice walk or just complete basic adulting like laundry. Of course, on days when I force myself to put my sneakers on and go to the park, I feel awesome afterward, both physically and mentally, but that's not always easy to remember.

I'm also sick and tired of not accomplishing things. I've been working on several different projects for months now but just can't seem to get myself to actually finishing them. I was actually inspired by a Twitter thread from one of the creators of one of my favorite podcasts***:

Via Justin McElroy's Twitter
I just need to fucking do it. So many things have been keeping me from being creative - all excuses, yes - but it seems like whenever I take a step, I'm like, "Oh, okay, good! I made An Effort. I can stop now!" I have to keep working at this, pushing, creating, and I can't expect someone or something to just discover me. That's not how it happens.

So this November is going to be a new start. I'm gonna be doing a lot, both in terms of activities and mental exercises, but I'm done with being lethargic and disconnected to everything. There's a new kind of dedication that is coursing through my veins, one that I haven't felt in a long time. I recognize that it's probably not completely sustainable, and I'll need to take breaks here and there, just to recharge and refocus, but I'm tingling. I'm not gonna let that feeling go again.

* Now this has been a saga, but let's just sum it up and say I've been living in a friend's back room (thanks, Mel!) since June 19th, and both I and the boys are ready for a place of our own.
** I'm going as Maverick from Top Gun this year, and OMG I am excited. I can play it sexy if I want or, if it gets too cold, zip that shit up. Plus, I've wanted to buy combat boots for forever, so now's as good a time as any!
*** I'm totally going to have to do a The Adventure Zone post here in the near future because, OMG, if you haven't been listening to it, you are missing out.
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